As a sixteen-year-old that’s fairly well liked in school (at least so I think…), I should have a generally rose-colored view of my surroundings. After all, who doesn’t want to be the eleventh grader whose French teacher reads their blog. Ahem. Yet as I’ve moved through the grades, the supposedly pink filter over my eyes has gotten a bit too saturated, and turned into a blood-red magnifier that points out everyone’s faults. It’s not a good thing, I recognize that – but it would be better if people didn’t give me so many causes to do so.

You see, there actually are reasons I hold the world in – shall we say – less than Puritanical regard. It was just earlier this year that one of my gossip-loving friends and I sat down to eat at Marco and Luca’s on the downtown mall. The dumplings filled me with joy – the conversation did not. For it was on that fateful Friday evening that I learned just how many of my peers (I’m going to be blatant here) smoked pot, had sex, and did drugs. Despite the delightful flavor sensation exploding in my mouth from the recently consumed morsels-from-God, the rest of my body became a bit disappointed. Several of the few remaining dregs of respect slipped from me like leaves out of an overturned tea cup (the respect I hold for chefs, however, remained strong).

Up until that point, I’d been living under the carefully constructed worldview which the Peabody School crammed into my head of happy schoolchildren on the downtown mall, there to eat pizza – not pot. Though of course, upon further examination, I realized not even the sheltered rich kids of private schools always escape the seemingly inevitable pitfall that used to be reserved for, “those urban, gay rave-kids.” Though, as a gay kid that occasionally listens to rave-style music, I’d always found that be a nasty stereotype. Over the next few weeks, I was filled in on the realities of teenage life for most, compared against the smiling, multiracial group of kids always shown in those science videos from middle school. People I had thought were pretty cool suddenly dropped a few rungs on my Ladder of Respect. By the way, if any one reading this falls into that particular category, I’d like to apologize – not all drug addicts are idiots, they just come off that way sometimes.

My realization reminded me of exactly how I was able to make it through the past few years of high school sanely. I’ve never really taken anyone seriously, including myself. However good of an aspect that might be in the Black Box acting like an idiot, it ends up being a wonderful blindfold to my surroundings, which I enjoyed for a very long time. But now as I start to think about my future, the blindfold is coming off and my overexposed eyes are reacting unhappily to the “light”. To me, it was just another discovery of people’s faults, with no attributes making it through the filter over my eyes.

I’m probably coming off as a bit of a snob right now, talking about how messed up some people’s lives are. Don’t get me wrong here, I have a lot of respect for anyone that’s able to get through the problems that many teenagers are facing – divorce, poverty, abuse. I can’t pretend to understand the stress they’re feeling or what they’re going through. But considering I’m an obsessed kid taking five AP classes and the only boy I know of at CHS that’s ‘out,’ I do have a slight understanding of stress. But I’m still sober (I got my sixteen-year chip last summer!).

Despite all the things that have disappointed me in people this year, I did see a glimmer of hope for humanity a few months ago. Coming out – typically a painful process that can get you kicked out of your house – was relatively simple for me. Maybe it was the cloudless, sunny day outside, but the first person I came out to actually scared me a bit with her enthusiasm.

“Oh my god, you’re gay?” She asked.
“Yeah…”
“AWW! I don’t know whether to have a celebration or just start talking about boys right now!”

For a minute there, I thought about giving the population as a whole a second chance. But then the weeks went by and I began to notice the [inadvertently?] homophobic conversations as I walked through the hallways between classes. Some of these people were even my friends. So much for that glimmer of hope.

I’d really like to think better of people – I really would! But before I can do that, I need to stop being disappointed in them (easier said than done). Sometimes I just wish I knew what went on inside people’s minds – how being a liberal suddenly means you can do illegal drugs, or being conservative gives you a right to hate gays. These are things I don’t understand, and may never understand. But I’ll keep trying, hoping that one day I can love the world for all its people – regardless of what goes on inside their heads.

love the sinner, hate the sin. it’s the only way to get through high school alive.

stay strong michael.

you’re not alone

i think one will be two sometime soon

Hey Michael!

First, I would like to say that is a very well written post. Though it is long, it is very readable and quite insightful.

Second, I would like to say that sure I am not okay with homosexuality, but I would never let that come between us as friends. You’re quite the cool kid and to hate you just because we differ on beliefs would be unreasonable and ridiculous. So Michael, it doesn’t matter who you love, I will still think you are the coolest theater-loving, blue hair dying, AP class taker kid in the world.

Third, I had the reality of what our peers are doing when I got a Facebook this past summer. It’s a rather nasty realization, isn’t it? I am not sure what we do specifically about it, but I don’t think we should let it discourage us.

Fourth, see you tomorrow!!

Posted: March 11th

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